Keegan Crawford yawns until he explodes with the power that is released when scientist split boredom in two. Boredom is so indifferent this is an easy thing to do. From there Keegan crashes a car and blows somebody up with a rocket launcher

Stealing Things by Keegan Crawford

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Other writing available here

       Stealing Things is the shortest title Keegan’s ever had. Keegan ‘the vegan’ Crawford loves long titles. Somebody must have told him to ‘chill out with the paragraph long titles’. This is a good thing. Here Keegan dives headfirst into one of the most popular forms in alt lit: kleptomania. Many alt lit books glorify shoplifting and stealing. In Keegan’s world more than basic objects are stolen: time is stolen at work in exchange for a pre-determined amount of money, words are stolen replaced by meows, and a couple of explosions happen.

                The explosions are intense and explosion-like. Keegan yawns until he explodes with the power that is released when scientist split boredom in two. Boredom is so indifferent this is an easy thing to do. From there Keegan crashes a car and blows somebody up with a rocket launcher. Good thing he reassures his mother about the explosions. She is a bit worried about him and the violent path he’s chosen in the poem. Despite Keegan’s out of control behavior he cares deeply about his mother.

                Funerals are happy things. People always party during funerals. At G.G Allin’s funeral they partied fairly hard. They partied with his dead corpse. Everybody had a great time. Probably there will not be a giant, drug-fueled orgy at Keegan’s party due to his vegan leanings. When vegans party they generally sit around a bed and listen to Sigur Ros. Every vegan parties pretty hard before falling asleep checking various social media. Getting cremated is the best thing to do when one is dead. It is the only time people can be truly airborne.

                Works is described in painful detail. Frozen burritos are the yellow sticky pads of work lunches. Multiple times Keegan says hi to his coworkers. They talk at him for a little bit while he wears his strange uniform. What Keegan actually does for a job is irrelevant. Every job is essentially the same thing: do various things, speak to people, hook up awkwardly with a coworker or two, and go out for happy hour once a month. Otherwise nothing else happens at work.

                It ends like all good things do: at an Arby’s. The Arby’s mocha shake may be one of those foods that confirm the power of an almighty God. Or it is just a damn good shake. Before the two arrive at Arby’s they arrive at a bookstore. Emo Philips is an Emo version of Philip Glass, just with slightly more repetition than an average Philip Glass track. Each song lasts roughly 44 minutes. Both of them go to a dollar store where they are able to afford the food sold there. They can afford it because they shove the food into a backpack. At Arby’s they eat fresh via eating the recently stolen food.

                This chapbook represents the directionless life lead by many troubled youths. It is perfectly okay to be directionless in one’s twenties. That’s what the entire decade is for, after that people are supposed to get a clue. Those are the rules. -  Beach Sloth 

 

 

I could probably fall asleep at any moment I want
Trying to make my intentions clear
Poem for a cat
One of those movie scenes where someone sinks entirely into the water in a bathtub
I leave the lights off at night so I can train myself to see in the dark
Tendency
Mass homicide
We had to move because termites ate the entire house and it's starting to rain
Just shoot him, just shoot him and run away, you can do it
Caffeine-free non-alcoholic FourLoko

credits

 

 

 

I could probably fall asleep at any moment I want

The tile on the floor is cold

A bird is making sounds outside

"Get off the ground and stop talking"

but in bird language

He seems very aware of my emotions

The tea is cold now

The flower in it is called a

Lover's Blossom

 

 

 

Trying to make my intentions clear

I yawned until I exploded

I'm still alive, though

It's okay

I'm going to drive so fast that hitting anything

will cause instant death

and an explosion that will be able to be heard

from a helicopter

in the next city,

but the explosion will be dismissed as 'just an annoying sound'

A man walks up to the burning car

He appears worried about my condition

but his underlying motive is to appear

compassionate and caring to the people around him

 'Are you okay?'

I shoot him with a rocket launcher

and he explodes

because the gun laws are too lenient

I felt alive, dead, mystical,

supernatural

My mom called to ask if I was okay

There was a sound in the background that sounded like

paper rubbing together, quietly

and I said, 'yeah, there was just an explosion

I'm still alive, though

it's okay'

'Oh, good'

There were three explosions in this poem

One of those movies scenes where someone sinks entirely into the water in a bathtub

I want a nervous person to speak at my funeral

I want it to be raining a little

I want a medium amount of people at my funeral

A large amount of people would seem too much like a movie

A small amount of people would also seem like a movie

but sadder than the movie with a lot of people at my funeral

I want to be cremated when I die

because I have a fear of waking up in my coffin

I don't care where my ashes are spread

because I won't be alive anymore

so it wouldn't matter to me

 

 

I leave the lights off at night so I can train myself to see in the dark

I will give a little kid a super permanent black sharpie marker

one of the 'industrial' ones

and the kid's parent(s) will hate me

Color my entire body with an industrial sharpie marker

so I can walk around at night

without anyone noticing

I want to be invisible

while still being visible

Chameleons seem to do well in nature

I don't really know a lot about chameleons

If I saw a black chameleon, I would feel good

'Pick one animal to describe yourself'

Chameleon

No, I just wanted to say that

I don't know

Panther, raven, a black spider

'Nocturnal' is a word that makes me feel

like I'm sitting in a forest with my eyes closed,

listening to noises

which all sound like

something is coming to kill me

 

 

Tendency

 

I woke up at 5 AM. I stayed in bed until 5:50 AM because the alarm on my phone went off so I had to get up to turn it off. I ate a bowl of mango and granola cereal. I sat on the couch and looked at my phone for fifteen minutes. I brushed my teeth. I put my work clothes on. I have to wear a long sleeve blue shirt that is very thick and feels like it is the only shirt in existence that is made of that material. I have to wear grey pants that look really big when I look down at them but look normal when I look at them in a mirror. I'm not allowed to wear jackets that aren't jackets that they gave me. The jacket they gave me is black and looks like something a jet pilot would wear when is isn't flying jets. I made my lunch which was a frozen burrito in a canvas bag. I kissed her and locked the door. I drove to work while listening to soft music. I sat in the parking lot for five minutes while looking out the window at a forest. I got out of the car and locked the door. The outside smelled like sewage. The wind was blowing a little. I went inside and put my burrito in the freezer. I looked at papers on the wall without actually reading them. I looked at papers on the fridge. A person I work with came in and said hi to me and asked me how I was doing. I said I was okay. He said 'good' and then left. Two other people came in and we exchanged the exact same words. I worked for five hours. I went back inside and made my burrito in the microwave. Three people passed by and said things about their day that they say every day and I didn't say anything back to them, I just let them talk to me. The air conditioning was on even though it was 50 degrees outside and the vent was angled so that the air was blowing right at my face. My eyes were watering a little. I worked for another three hours. I drove home while listening to scary music. I got home and took my work clothes off and played guitar until she got home. I held her and I forgot that I had went to work.

 

 

Mass homicide

Hahahahahahaha

I ate an entire carton of vegan ice cream

Feeling myself decay

Dying

Everyone is going to die

once I order a knife off of amazon

Are there knife laws

I can feel myself dying

I'm going to stab you in the face

because I feel bad about eating this much ice cream

What is jail like

Really tired

I don't want to go to jail

Can you let me leave now

Cold

Decaying

Kill cops! All of them!

I'm not going to go to jail

Feel my teeth sink into you

In a jail cell

I'm mad

at nothing

 

 

 

We had to move because termites ate the entire house and it's starting to rain

I was never supposed to be born.

Is that weird? Yes.

I went on the swing set and jumped off of the swing.

I broke both of my legs and could never walk again.

That was a joke!

Someone threatened me,

that they were going to kill me.

They said it in a very calm voice.

It sounded like they said it to the top of my head

so I ran inside and turned all of the lights on.

A woman walked past my door.

I was in bed.

A woman walked past my door.

Something rolled past my door very quickly.

I rolled over and cried and felt bored.

I looked at picture of people in a book and everyone looked bored.

I floated up to the ceiling and turned the fan on.

I was pale and fell over.

I woke up in my bed and felt alone.

 

 

 

Just shoot him, just shoot him and run away, you can do it

An old man grabbed my wrist.

We walked to his office and I sat down and he looked at my groceries.

'How much was this rhubarb'

'I don't know'

He called someone.

They called him back.

'My foster son's name is Keegan, too'

My heart exploded.

 

 

Caffeine-free non-alcoholic FourLoko

They went to a used bookstore.

They went to the cassette tape section.

____ picked up a cassette tape that said Emo Philips.

'Emo Philips.'

'That's me.'

'There are a lot of Anthrax tapes. God damn.'

'This is insane.'

They went to the video game section and looked at games they used to have.

They went to the death and dying section.

'These books are funny.'

'This one is about teen suicide.'

'You should get it.'

'I'm going to get it.'

They walked over to the manga section.

'I want to find Sailor Moon. Help me find Sailor Moon.'

'This one is about a kid who's a demon that kills demons.'

'Sweet.'

There was an overweight kid sitting on the ground reading Naruto.

'Where's all the goth manga?'

'I don't know. I'm hungry.'

They slowly walked toward the Dungeons & Dragons section while putting books into their backpacks.

They left and went to the dollar store that was right next to the book store.

---- put tortillas in his backpack and ____ put a jar of salsa between his backpack and his back

while pulling tightly on the arm straps so that the salsa wouldn't fall.

They went into Arby's and sat at a table.

They took packets of salt and pepper and poured them onto tortillas.

There were ~12 year old boys watching them.

They read manga.

For a little bit, ---- felt like he would never die.